Tag Archives: Husband

Identity Crisis?

Is being supposedly masculine wrong?

Let me explain. I was at house fellowship yesterday and at some point, the discussion deviated to what a man wants in a woman (maybe not deviated as the topic was The Christian Home). You get my drift sha. Anywayz, the leader gave an example of a cousin of his who was godly and good looking and all but yet un married. After about 5 years and the less good looking, not well to do female cousins were getting married left, right and centre, he decided to investigate. And the male cousins tell him “na man” i.e the cousin behaves like a man, so when a guy comes, he takes off. So he sits her down and they discuss and all. He said no man wants another man in the house. And he said in our world today, we have a problem of identity crisis. He then likened it (and the other men, all married) to being driven/ambitious. And that 80% of men don’t like ambitious women.

And I asked these questions there that I would ask here. Is it wrong for me to change my tyres or wash my car or change the bulb at home myself? And how does my doing such make me driven? Let me break it down. Is my deciding to do the manly things making me a man? I mean, I want a guy that can cook and help with the household ish, if I marry a man who does, does that make him a woman? Would that mean there are 2 women in the house because he decides to help with things going down in the house? Trust, when I asked the questions, the women all went “ehen if my tyre should go flat, I would pick a cab and head home” and I smiled.

I grew up having to swing between turning on the gen or washing my car and cooking for the house. So for me I believe it just comes naturally. If I am stuck with nobody to do the manly things or they refuse to, I no sabi beg anybody, I am off doing them. I remember once the drivers wouldn’t wash my car and we had no cook, so I get back from work at night, bring out all the cooking things needed and let those that need to thaw, thaw, change to something comfortable, go wash my car. When am done, a quick shower and I go to cook. Then my youth Pastor calls me once and unfortunately my phone was in my room, I was downstairs washing. I returned his call and when he asked what I was doing (he needed us to go see someone) and I told him I was washing my car, he started preaching o. Telling me it wasn’t my duty to wash a car I drive.

My point is, if I can do something even if it is what a man can do, does that make me any less a woman and more of a man? I am not saying if there is a man in the house, I would go about changing light bulbs. Trust me, I would find a recliner or bed and take a sweet nap. But even if there is a man, a willing man at that, I don’t think/believe there is anything wrong in taking that responsibility. If you leave your husband to do all the male things, what if he takes ill and can’t do them or even worse, he dies? If you leave your wife to do all the wifely and motherly things, what if same happens? I believe both male and female, we should be able to do both. Maybe not perfectly but at least do something. And not wait till your wife comes home before dinner is ready or till your husband comes home before the gen comes on.

Same with watching football. I love to watch and I hear people tell me it isn’t lady-like to do that. And I just smile. What do men want exactly?

Weddings and other tinz

So I was yet again at another wedding yesterday; seems like that’s all I do now right? No worry, going on a break till August. Anyways, for the first time, I actually enjoyed a wedding sermon. Not the long, winding give all the talk they had given during counselling sermons. Oh yes, I have been to a wedding where the Pastor spent 3 hours preaching. Or the headless, tailless sermons. Short and straight. Similar content, just shorter and more interesting. Lesson 1. Keep it short. Those who listen would remember. I for one didn’t take notes but I can remember most of the sermon, a day after, after all the food and dancing.

He spoke about choices and how before exchanging vows, they were in a relationship (I thought the traditional wedding is the real wedding?) Anyways, but once the vow was exchanged, they were now in a covenant with God at the centre and thus have introduced “something” into their bloodline. How a lot of people exchange marital vows week in, week out and months after, end it, “shit” gets real and they blame the devil. No be him o. Na both of you.

Oh and he spoke about 3 things a man wants; sex (which is a taboo in church), food and a wife that doesn’t nag. I wonder though why Pastors find it hard talking about sex in church. Seriously, I think they need to start doing that. Ha! Yes. He said wives should show their husbands they are gifted whilst having sex. He said no matter how tired a man is, if his wife comes out of the bathroom naked, something must happen. True or false? Food; he spoke about how the groom was forbidden from henceforth to be eating indomie. I laughed. Na all bachelors dey chop noodles? I know quite a few guys were dey chop proper food everyday and na dem cook am. Nagging only makes a man hard/harder. Women, listen. Sorry, na the part concern me I highlight.

Anywayz, a lot of the usual stuff was also said, parents should leave the children alone and all. I shalt go into that.

Moving on, I finally caught the akwa oche bug and I think I rocked it sha. Almost didn’t wear it. With the comments I read on bellanaija Thursday night? Fear caught me. I had 2 options, a gown and a lace top + akwa oche. Bet well, I did wear it, and am glad I did. Too much similar looking gowns yo! Which reminds me, when we were younger, there was a stigma attached to wearing akwa oche. No one wanted to be caught in it. Now na fad ba? Fashion and its cycles.

Lesson 2: keep your wedding simple. I am too simple ba? Too much crowd and too many VIPs can keep people from enjoying themselves. Or find someone who can help with the protocol people. The couple had someone who could help but I imagine if they didn’t have someone. I won’t even “enter” into the whose wedding is it anyway debate; parents or the children. Just reach a compromise of it gets that bad. I guess I am just lucky I have a father who I can tell we just want 300 guests and he would agree. And just let you run your show.

Shonda Rhimes is looking for trouble o. If you know her, warn her. Dazall.

In other news, people didn’t take me serious when I said I had a hair mishap. Not even my sisters. Till one of them saw my new “length” yesterday. Well, 7 months of “natural” hair ended today. Relaxed the shege today. And I wanna cry. My hair mishap was worse than I thought. Till December or next year.

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New length

In other other news, it is Global Outreach Day next Saturday. Preach Christ to someone.

Have a great week people.

Can you move in with your wife?

I had this interesting conversation with a driver at work yesterday. We were at our store and then saw some furniture a woman brought. He then started gisting me about how big her house was, she was single and all. And how he hopes she finds a man, but that men won’t want a made wife. So I asked him if he were a man, would he marry her and move in (because I didn’t see how she would wanna move out of her house, but then what do  I know?). His reply shocked me. He said he would move. I asked again (here is an uneducated man) if his wife built a house or bought a house, would he move in with her and he replied in the affirmative. Hmmmm I thought. I then asked why. He said (now I am paraphrasing because this conversation was in Yoruba) he believes in a relationship/marriage, one of both parties would be richer than the other. If his wife was rich enough to buy/build a house,why shouldn’t he move in with her. He felt if he didn’t it meant he wasn’t happy for her and didn’t want her progress. I was just there with my mouth opened. He said as long as he still had her respect and she wasn’t rubbing it into his nose. He said he would let even his parents and the children know it was his wife’s/their mother’s house. The conversation had me thinking “how many men (African men especially) think like this?”. How many women would own houses and still be submissive and show respect to their husbands.

We hear stories on radio and TV about such issues. My wife built a house she didn’t tell me. She has some money somewhere I didn’t know about. And how it has led to the end of relationships and marriages.

I remember a conversation after house fellowship some weeks back. Well when you attend a fellowship where everybody else is married and you and another lady are the only singles, you get to hear a lot of marriage gists. So this man was talking about how in his OWN house, he felt the cook, house help, drivers and other helps didn’t respect him because they felt he wasn’t the one paying their salaries. Madam collected the money from him and distributed. The helps didn’t know that. So one month, he decided to show them who the man of the house was and withheld salaries for 2 weeks. Well, the end of the story is that they all started to comport themselves. Why did I add this story sef? I dunno.

When did people start calling their fiance/fiancee partners? This young man came to the showroom one day and kept talking about how he needed his partner’s approval before buying anything and all. And as he kept saying partner, I kept thinking “is he gay” or is he co-habiting? I had to ask who this partner was and discovered he was engaged. *smh*.

I said my hair was red right? Sorry, I am colour blind. Tis wine.

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Some people say it is long. I beg to differ. Shoulder length isn’t long. Well that might be my fault sha. Years of chopping just to make it grow and remove split ends have done “damage” to the length. As per last picture, you see where my issue is now. I need that front to GROW. Help a sister.

Have a great weekend people.

Gracias.

All you women, there is a school you all attend…..

A friend’s friend made this statement a couple of weeks back that got me thinking. Met him at L’s office and we got talking. Somehow we ended up talking about his family and he started talking about how he doesn’t take his wife out on dates any more. I was appalled at first then he explained. He said whenever they go out, she always picks the most expensive food on the menu (even when he has informed her before hand say he no get moni) and would end up not finishing it or making statement like “it was just there”, “I didn’t enjoy it”. Trust, after it happened a number of times, he stopped taking her out except on her birthday. And he would have ordered the meal before they get there. That got me thinking. What is it about us females that when we are in a relationship or married, we believe all our bukata (needs) must be met by the man? We believe it is our duty to spend all the man’s money. After all it is his money abi na our money. But most of us would rather keep ours.

I remember listening in on radio some years ago. A kiss and make up program and this dude calls in to ask them to beg his wife. What was his offence? He usually fuels his wife’s car. She comes that morning to ask for money to get fuel and he asked her to use her money. And the woman vex. I wondered why she felt she had a right to the man’s money. Common sense told me immediately (though the man said he was joking when he said she should use her money) that the man must have had a reason to ask her to use her money. The reason whether he was joking or he seriously didn’t have money she never bothered to find out. She got angry and left the house immediately. I just smiled to myself that day and thought “she is even lucky she has someone to ask”. Some women don’t have husbands to ask of. She is lucky she even had someone who fuelled her car. A lot of women don’t dare even ask for owo obe from their husbands. I recounted that incident and that is what led to L’s friend making the comment about women going to a particular school where they teach us how to suck men dry. All we do is ask and ask and want to spend and spend and spend the man’s money. While “saving” (for want of a better word) ours. His money is OUR money, my money is MY money. I can spend his but he can’t spend mine.

Earlier today, I was also chatting with a friend and he sent me some message I guess a female friend sent to him. Paraphrased, the lady said it is the duty of the man to support the family (very right) BUT it isn’t compulsory for her to help him support the home. She said his money should be used to determine the standing of the family and not hers. My reply to him was I agree to an extent with her statements. It is a man’s sole responsibility to provide for his home. Even the Bible tells us a man who can’t do that is worse than an infidel. HOWEVER, the woman is the helper. It is compulsory for her to do her part in supporting the man every way she can none the least, financially. While in the olden days, it might have been easier for the man to be the sole provider, the way things are right now, the man cannot and shouldn’t be left alone to take care of all the responsibilities. You should be able to cover each other. If he doesn’t have and you do, there is nothing stopping you from taking up that responsibility even if it means you collect the money later (directly or indirectly). Regarding whether his money should be used to determine the standing of the family, I also agree. I did suggest though that rather than it being his money (which for most women is our money), a joint account would be a good idea. That way it is a clear cut case of our money determining the standing of the family. I believe in marriage, there shouldn’t be his money, her money. It should be our money.

I do realize that while it is easy to type our money, actually doing it might be hard. That is why I am a believer in having one or two joint accounts. Both parties put in a certain amount each month depending on their pay and payment of bills, vacation and other bukata can be paid for from there. That frees up the rest of each person’s income for personal things. I know a number of men who say they can never give their wives their debit or credit card. If she lays her hands on it, it would come back empty. Haba. Kilode? And these wives are equally employed and well paid o.

Later this evening, went on instagram and saw someone put up a picture (see below).

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I have come to realize that for a lot of females in relationships, we have turned the guy into our money market fund (except this time, we don’t wanna pay back what we have collected and def not with interest). I need, I want, Can I have. Most times asking for things we can’t even afford ourselves and maybe even know the guy can’t afford at that moment. Even if he can afford everything sef, haba, cool down na. I grew up never accepting something from a guy I can’t give back  or afford if things go the other way. In fact I remember keeping a gift for over a year once because it was pretty expensive and I didn’t want a situation where we stopped talking and things hit the roof and I start hearing stories. What I can’t afford or give, I don’t accept. Frankly, he is your husband, he is your boyfriend, he is your fiance not your BANK. Seriously, let’s pity these men and not allow them label all of us. Little wonder why a lot of men believe all women are materialistic and can be bought. Just drop money, buy gifts, o pari. She would trip. Whatever happened to self worth and respect?

Back to L’s friend. After I had tried defending my people, he ends with “let’s see what happens when you get married”. Now am scared. Is there a school I am not aware of, that once I get married, I start exhibiting characters associated with those who attended this school?

Full time house-wife

This post is a result of an “argument” in class and on twitter. A friend tweeted “I’m a full time house wife” like WTH? At what age? Mschew. And I replied through another friend’s account asking what was wrong with that. The result is a very long attack and counter attack on the issue. I have argued on this case (from the against angle) a zillion times. Ok, I exaggerate. But many times.

Truth be told, months back I looked at such people with disdain and couldn’t believe especially for the educated ones why any woman would go to school and then end up staying at home. At least, start a business. But after hearing a married woman with a business talk and seeing an aunt upclose, I can’t fault them.

I have heard arguments for and against and am still not convinced that those who decide to stay at home are any less than those who do a 9-5 job or should be looked down on. Taking care of the house and children is equally as much work as those who dress up every morning and go to work. Part of what the woman said was she saw her children and children of friends who decided not to work and she could spot the difference in both set of children. This def wasn’t failure on her part but according to her the difference was very clear. Same with my aunt’s children. Asides that, if the husband is the “before the children wake up am out of the house and back after they sleep kind of person” and he decides to ask his wife to stay home, I can’t fault such people.

For those who use the “I went to school, my father paid so much” argument, what if the man pays back all your father spent on you with interest plus a “monthly salary” after all part of your reasons for working is to make money? For some people, their children is their priority and they would do anything to ensure they are close to their family and are around for them everytime. Doesn’t make them less than those who decide to “work”. We just somehow in our minds classify somethings as work and some others are not work.

An idle mind argument too for me doesn’t hold water. I worked in a place for 3 years and I can say that for almost a year before I left, I practically didn’t do anything. In people’s minds I was “working” but I wasn’t. I was idle on all sides. God knows how many times I compared myself to those who stayed at home and how many times I considered just leaving the job and not doing anything. Took a while and God’s grace for me to snap out of it. And that’s from a very restless person. I ask what’s the difference between me then and say if I was married and I wasn’t “working” (work as people define it). Because I wore suit and left the house everyday, I wasn’t idle ba? Or the person who has a shop in Tejousho but spends the whole day gossiping? She is “working” because she has a business ba? What do we define as idle?

That said, I don’t think I can do it BUT I def don’t consider those who decide to stay at home and not do any form of business any less than I am. She stays at home, spends her time reading, writing books, doing what she loves is better than “going to work” and doing what she hates. Or working and the home is upside down. They have their reasons for doing that and they shouldn’t be condemned. Even if the person has a Masters degree and is 24 years or she is 40 years. Every family has their own percularities. Yes, I can argue about the financial consequences (especially) BUT everybody has a right to make whatever choice they decide to make.

Still waiting for an argument against stay-home mums that can make me change my mind because truth be told, a lot of us looking and talking about this aint even married. So we don’t even know what it is like when people decide to become full-time house wives. I know some people have just made up their minds from the very beginning never to work. Yeah, there are some like that since they were teens who have decided working isn’t for me. I want to stay at home. Some out of laziness. Some it could be cause of their experiences or upbringing. For whatever reason they decide. It is their choice.