Category Archives: Prayer

The Illogical GOD

I was at Digging Deep yesterday and a visiting Pastor led the service. While he was teaching on devotion and being planted in the house of God, he spoke about how his mother met Christ before she had him (she was his father’s second wife) and decided to restitute i.e. leave her husband. This led to his father abandoning them and they had to live in stores and stuff for a while i.e. they were so poor, they couldn’t afford N30 to pay for an accommodation. But still, with all the hardship, they were always found in church. Not even torn clothes prevented them from serving God. Long story short, by age 6, he was already preaching. By JSS 3, he had built a house for his mother to leave. And logical me screamed HOW?

Service ends and I realized a few of us had questions. So the person who invited him plays a video of the Pastor truly in his teens preaching in the UK and goes on to explain how God blessed him as a child through people he ministered to – people sponsoring his trips to the UK (he attended the local parish of a big church in the East and he became quite popular) and giving him money which obviously because he really had no use for the money, he built his mother a house. I got home and completely forgot this. The only thing that I remembered thinking about before sleeping was how God honours those who honour Him.

Woke up this morning and as I was brushing my teeth, last night came to mind again and how I screamed how inside me. And I was reminded of Uncle Thomas who needed evidence before he believed Jesus really was ALIVE. I also needed evidence because in my mind, I’m like Pastor, you cannot be lying but still this makes absolutely NO SENSE. And God reminded me of the many Hows people have asked and how truly and indeed, He uses seemingly foolish things to confound we who think we are wise.

How do you explain a 66 or is it 68 year old woman who delivers? Even if IVF. Do we forget the many IVFs people did, yet died without having children? How do we explain a 51 year old woman who gets married at 50 and got pregnant naturally? And many more… HOW?

As I thought about it, I remembered some instances in the Bible where people asked How and God’s reaction (He will always have mercy on whom He would).

Genesis 18:12 So she laughed silently to herself and said, “How could a worn-out woman like me enjoy such pleasure, especially when my master—my husband—is also so old?”  Yet God ignored her and went ahead to do what He would do, with no consequences for her.

Luke 1:18 – Zechariah said to the angel, “What proof is there for this? I’m an old man, and my wife is beyond her childbearing years.” And he was made dumb

Luke 1:34 – Mary asked the angel, “How can this be? I’m a virgin.” No consequences

John 20:29: Then Jesus told him, “Because you have seen (heard, seen evidence, touched etc.)* me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.”

I asked and still asking myself:

–  Was there a way Mary asked how that was different from Sarah and Zechariah? Or was it the “level of doubts” that was different?

– How do we ask the question HOW without doubting? If that makes sense

– We were created as logical beings. How do we drop logic in the face of the many false prophets and pastors around? Normal human instinct is to rationalize, think, run it by logic. As Christians, how do we do this without doubting? Then I remember we have the Holy Spirit to teach us all things. We were enjoined to be like the Berean Christians. So why do we have a lot of the extremes? Those who don’t think at all and just follow what pastors say and those who run everything by logic.

I don’t have the answers… Maybe someone here would.

The ways of our God defiles all forms, types, shades etc. of logic… No matter what we think or believe we know. On our own, we cannot comprehend.

Note: Words asterisked – my addition!!!

The day I thought I would die…

O you who lift me up from the gates of death (ESV)

You who lift me up from the gates of death (NASB)

thou that liftest me up from the gates of death (KJV)

You snatch me away from the gates of death (ISV)

Thou that liftest me up from the gates of death (ASV)

Psalm 9:13B

 

Somehow I thought with a new, less stressful job, I would have more time to blog. Well, I have more time now but still ain’t blogging. Life just happened and events overtaking events… sigh.

Most of today, I have been “forced” to remember and think about the difference a month (or months) make in one’s life and thought to share my story. I had a surgery… Now, this won’t be the first surgery (done two minor ones in the past) I would have but this was by far a major surgery and one that almost took my life. I had a myomectomy i.e. took out uterine fibroids. All 29 of them.

October 2017

After a programme in church, a Partner at my former employers who attends the same church walks up to me and asks if I had done a ultrasound scan recently as she felt my tummy was getting bigger. Funny, I had done one earlier in the year so replied I had and my tummy issues were largely due to food. So I thought.

January – February 2018

Post RCCG fast, as usual, lost some weight but tummy remained. I made excuses as usual but was worried. However, I didn’t do anything about it.

March – April 2018

Woke up one day with rashes on my right leg. After a few weeks of waiting for the rashes to clear and it didn’t, I decided to see a doctor. End of April, my aunt mentions the tummy issue again and I felt better late than never. Scheduled a visit and called in sick at work. And the journey began. Ultrasound scan revealed 5 fibroids – 3 large ones and 2 small ones – about 28 weeks i.e. I looked like I was in my second trimester.

May 2018

I attend a leather fair with one of my sisters and a woman approaches me – asks where I got my dress from and blah blah. I told her but she kept staring. Awkward. Later that day, I went to see a movie. Standing at the counter, I turned to answer another lady who asked about my dress. When I was done replying, she goes “you look really good for a 5 months pregnant woman”. I literally died. I don’t know what expression I had on my face but she quickly realised her mistake and figured what was wrong – and began to apologise profusely. I managed to watch the movie but trust me, my heart sunk. I had initially planned not to remove the fibroids but at that point I knew I needed to. Didn’t help that one of the fibroids was impacting an organ. Doctor after Doctor, Gynae after Gynae from then on till June were clear. You need to remove them. So we started planning and settled for October.

October 2018

Went in for the surgery on the 4th of October and it was successful. I mean, I was out in about 4 hours. But instead of 5, 29 were removed. 3 large ones as the scan showed and 26 small ones in different sizes – some were very easy to miss. And then it started. Like I earlier said, I have done 2 other surgeries to remove lumps and within a week I was back like nothing happened. I guess I underestimated this.

3 – 4 days stay in the hospital became 5 days of no food and water as I was stooling constantly even on just IV fluids. By day 4, it had reduced to almost no stool and I started with tea and pap by day 5 (pap and it’s many variants, I absolutely hate and this experience has even made it worse). Day 5, I was discharged to go home. Since pap isn’t by favourite food and at that point, I was already tired of just having pap, we decided to spice it up and I had soup (pretty bland soup) and pap. My bowel had other plans though. By morning on day 6, I just wasn’t stooling, I was throwing up BILE.

I was convinced I was living my final moments on earth. I literally felt my spirit leaving me. I prayed silently for the remaining minutes to be less painful like God just make me sleep and let it end. I watched my mum, her sister and my younger sisters and cried within me. Like God, please don’t hurt them. How we got back to the hospital I sincerely do not recall but God got me..

Now within the first 5 days, I must have had at least 5 or 6 different needles go into me trying to pass fluids into me. For some reasons, after about 12 hours, the veins tissue. This is aside injections. Going back would be worse. Had about 3 IVs within 2 hours just to stabilise me. First test result comes back and my potassium level was about 2.3/2.5. Minimum is usually 3.5. I had lost a lot of blood and was pretty much anaemic. Blood pressure was normal all through from surgery day even till the day I returned. Temperature normal but pulse was over the roof. I began another 5 days of confinement. Not funny. I was restless. As at the last time I counted, I had had another 10 needles go into me trying to find a vein and the vein tissuing within 12 hours. At some point, the doctors were setting multiple IV lines in my hands. I was dying within me, my mum was praying – thank God for mothers.

On one of the nights, I had gotten so frustrated, I insisted I wasn’t going to have another drip and asked the doctor and nurses to pack their equipment. I was legit DONE. Anyway, my mum convinced me to continue but that came with its own problem. Due to my restlessness and I was practically not sleeping at night, I was “sedated” that night. Well, the following day, I could barely do anything – couldn’t talk, couldn’t even stay awake more than a minute. Definitely everybody got worried again. sigh

I was discharged 4 days after and started a week of just pap – mornings, afternoons and night. 10 days of no food or water, another 7 of just pap. I lost so much weight, I cried when I looked at a mirror. Still not there yet. Clothes don’t fit and stuff but getting there gradually.

I was at a Board Retreat and was lodged in a hotel till today. I had picked the same dress I wore in April/ May that had people asking questions today. I had even left my room and realised I forgot something by the full mirror. And then I looked. The difference 6 – 7 months can make.

I still remember the days I was praying for a normal stool, to be able to fart, to be able to sleep even after I got back home. Praying for God to just show me the right side and angle to sleep so I can minimise discomfort. Praying for just even 2 straight hours of sleep and not waking up every 30 minutes to 1 hour. Funny, I had no pains post surgery but everything else just seemed to be going wrong. I sleep now (except when I take late evening naps) without even thinking about it. I use the toilet regularly now and I smile. Wasn’t it just some days ago this was a struggle?

Or the days I had to watch every single thing I ate? The funny sensations from my chest downwards I couldn’t tell anybody about? The numbness, the discharges? The fears – of bending, carrying stuff, stitches opening up? When I couldn’t laugh or sneeze – and if I did, I had to hold my tummy area to avoid exertion?

Today makes it a month after that morning after I had to be rushed back to the hospital. The difference a month makes.

I am indeed very grateful for life. I think about how easily it could have been an obituary rather than a testimony. The numbness remain. I pretty much still can’t do much – I can’t drive, I can’t lift things, I have some 2 – 4 weeks out to get back to 100% but I have learnt a lot about my body.

And ladies and gentlemen, we need to check ourselves more often. Maybe if I had done another scan a year ago, the fibroids won’t have gotten that big or won’t have started to degenerate. The last 6 days in September and first 4 in October are days I don’t want to relive. One of the large fibroids had started to degenerate and caused so much pain I could not stand nor sit. I was popping Ibruofen like I was drinking water. I couldn’t go to work and I was just useless.

I have learnt though – my (our) diet has been a big factor in causing this problem and yes I have joined the fitfam club. Eat clean, eat well, have cheat days (very important) but healthy eating is importanter….

Did I tell you I have an amazingggggggggggggg family and wonderful friends? The support I got and still getting is mind blowing. Even from church and work. Grateful much

AND, it is 10 days to 31.

 

* Updated post with the Bible passage

 

 

 

 

I want to be

Got back from church pretty early today. Actually went to another parish and service was fast. And for the first time in a long while I actually had time to reflect on the sermon. Now, with all the activities on a typical Sunday for me, I usually get home and knock out. And I was fast burning out. Late last night I just decided I had to go somewhere else. Where no one knew me and I could hear the word without getting distracted. So off I went and I am happy I did. Those who know me know I over-think things (if there is a word like that) and so what I write below is a result of me thinking about the sermon (actually a recap of an earlier sermon the Pastor had preached) which led to me thinking about other things till I finally got to this writing…

I want to stand before Kings and not mean men

I want to (in the words of my ex) be so hidden in Christ; anyone who finds me must find Christ to find me

I want to honour God with my body, my substance

I want to search the scriptures with all diligence and not just take every word thrown at me (especially in Christian circles) as the law

I want to be the woman who guards her heart

I want to be the woman whose children shall arise and call her blessed

I want to be the woman whose children shall call her bestie

I want to be the woman whose husband takes delight in her all his days

I want to bring my husband good and not harm

I want to be so diligent; so meticulous, hardworking

I want to be the woman everybody knows they are welcome around her

I want to the woman who judges NOT

I want to be as a tree planted by the rivers of water which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither – whatever I do would prosper

I want to be excellent

Oh yes I want to be rich yet very humble

I want to be blessed and yet more a blessing

I want to be able to speak up for those who can’t speak for themselves

I want to speak the truth always

Here in is the conclusion of the matter: I want to fear the Lord and keep his commands

I spoke about using this blog as a tracker (making myself accountable) right? So for those who know me (outside of this blog), if I fall short or aint doing any of the above, you have the right to call me to order. If you see me turn a blind eye to the truth, do let me know. If you see me sloppy or not exerting myself, ya have a right to whip me (not literally biko).

Let us pray

Almighty Father we are eternally grateful for your grace and faithfulness. For your loving kindness and tender mercies that are new every morning. We thank you for you are our God and there is none other. Indescribable God accept our thanks and praises.

We pray for your mercies this and everyday.

We pray for your guidance this and everyday.

We pray for our nation Nigeria. We lift up our Jerusalem and pray for her peace. Forgive us our sins in this nation. From the East to the West to the North to the South, dear Lord, let your peace reign. We pray for our leaders. Dear Lord, from the President even to the very least public civil servant, you who holds the hands of kings and princes in your hands, turn their hearts towards you. Give us leaders who fear and love you. Have mercy on each and everyone of us. Help us the followers to search our hearts. We get the kind of leaders we deserve. Help that there be a change in our hearts. Help that we wait not for the government to change but to realize that the change begins with us. Help that in our own little ways, we do the right things. Help us to vote the right people into power. Stem the tide of insecurity and corruption in our land and let there be a cleansing from top to bottom and bottom up. Help us to live peacefully with each other.

We pray for the church. We pray for forgiveness. Father forgive us our sins and heal your church. Let your fire as in the days of old burn afresh and anew within the church. Let our church leaders do your will. Let your love be spread abroad afresh within the church. Let there be a revival in the church. Give a change of heart to each one and help us to love each other as Christ loves the church. We pray that our old men (and women) would dream dreams and our young men (women) would see visions. Help us to stop playing church. To stop being religious.

We pray for those looking up to you for children. Father grant them their heart desires. It is your will that none be without child. Cause them to be fruitful and glorify your name in their lives.

We pray for those seeking fruitfulness in other areas of their lives. Cause them to multiply and do so abundantly.

For job seekers, we pray your grant them jobs. For those in jobs they don’t like, give them the courage and boldness to seek and get the jobs they want. For those who should be in businesses and not seek 9-5 employment, Father push them. Take the fear that keeps people bound to jobs they shouldn’t be in away.

For the widows and widowers, comfort them. Strengthen them. For the fatherless and motherless, be a father and mother to them.

For those of us who know you, help us to stand firm and not depart from the way. For those who don’t, draw them close with your saving arms, wrap your arms around them and do not let them go. Help that those of us who know you would do all we need do to bring them to you.

We pray for the newly-weds, lead them in this journey they have began. For all married couples that you strengthen their union. May the oil of their love never run dry. May the wine of their relationship never go sour. Renew their love for each other everyday. We come against every wandering eye. We come against little foxes that destroy the vine. May they never break the hedge. We pray our families won’t fall victim to the devil’s war against marriages.

We pray for those who desire to be married. Answer them at your own time.

We pray for our men. That they may find good wives and obtain favour from the Lord. We pray for our women that in being found, their husbands would find favour.

We pray for our children. They would be for signs and wonders.

Above all we pray that we fulfil your purpose and forever live to praise your name.

We ask this and everyday.