Daily Archives: May 4, 2013

My first Igbo wedding

By first I mean a full Igbo wedding. Husband, Igbo. Wife, Igbo. Before today’s it was either bride or groom.

And oh boy, it was dry, then funny, the downright absurd, funny again… Boring at some point… All in all, I would say it was an interesting wedding.

It is a first on another level. Also my first mogbo mobranch wedding. No IV. I no even sabi who the couple be. Didn’t know their names till I picked C (who I tagged along with).

Where do I begin the story? I have a few Igbo friends. Catholics for that matter. So I shoulda been able to relate with this wedding right? Nope. With the Ibo language flying over my head, left, right and centre. People, please, recognise that not all your guests would understand your language. I get that once such events occur, you enter into that mood, where you are just cruising. Bet, biko, remember people like us.

First though, I take back my “I must marry an Igbo man”. Whow, they don’t just cut it.. They are the razzest of men I have seen. Hia!!!!!! WHAT???? Sticking to my Yoruba brothers. Somebody say Amen. iKid. Not Igbo though. Na. Mba.

Secondly, the MC. I can go on and on… Telling someone to come and see your privates? Seriously? Or the dry jokes? Or his reaction to being sprayed N50 notes?

Or dear Jennifer. Who kept staying in our line of vision. Like you couldn’t have attended that wedding without “seeing” and noticing her. Once the MC said anything about a single lady, dear young lady was up and heading for the front.

Oh and naming your child Ancestor? I thought I heard lots of “uncommon” names, but this one though, I no sabi the English to use. A friend once said Igbo bear ridiculous names and I begged to differ. I am beginning to agree. Anywayz, I wasn’t the only one who thought he should hook up with Jennifer already. They look good together. Hehehe.

I have always heard of women that drink. Well I experienced it first hand today. Oh or those on our table who ate all the small chops in like how many seconds? Them bring small chops come, put it in front of C and I. We were facing the high table yeah, next thing, I look from the side of the eye and the plate was gone. All we saw was the empty plate, in front of one of the others on the table. You mo fit wait make dem carry your plate of small chops come? Yes, am still angry cuz I love small chops.

Or the lady who shouts from her seat, asking the groom not to embarrass himself cuz “you sabi say u no fit dance”. Chei. Mbakwa.

Or guys dressed in Ben 10 and Mickey mouse costumes coming in?

I think the part I couldn’t figure out what the problem was, was when the parents came in. Bride’s parents come in without much dancing (whose fault?). Groom’s mum comes in, and her friends join her to dance. Well, bride’s mum then sends someone to tell the MC she wants to come in again. Whew….

I thought breaking kola nut was done at Igbo engagements, not weddings? Any Igbos in the house who can explain? My Igbo friends don’t know o. They are not “sure”.

All in all, I love the fact that it was a very small wedding. No crowds. Not sure we were up to 200 guests. Very private wedding. Plus I got to see an old friend. Been a while.

I guess now I am prepared for when Ify and C and other Igbo friends get married. Bet I take God beg una, marry Yoruba men…

And this is the summary of my eventful gate crashed first mogbo moya, Igbo wedding.

Disclaimer: this is by no means intended to insult any tribe or people. Nor to make fun of anybody. Like, I said earlier, I also have my fair share of Igbo friends. It is just my musings on an Igbo wedding I attended.

Tada

Rant 201?

I believe all Nigerians should be subjected to psychiatric evaluation monthly. A lot are mad people, they just haven’t hit the streets yet. Either that, or we are born idiots.

How do you explain driving a bus whose fuel filter is dangling and hitting the ground? When common sense tells us that if that thingy should split, there is trouble.

Or not fixing your tyres properly and it comes off with the rim?

Or the dude who decides to “sleep” and chooses the back of a moving bus, is unstrapped and just enjoying his “sleep” forgetting that with the kain traffic we were in, if he rolled out of the bus, the next car/bus/trailer/tanker would have crushed him before realising someone fell out of the bus.

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Or those who see a burning truck, didn’t bother calling Emergency Services nor try to get the driver out. Yet stood to take pictures. Or the even sillier ones. Those who decided to “save” the bags of rice in the truck. Reminds me of the frequent pipeline explosions we had at some point.

Or the Policewoman who “decides” to “hang” on a bus because the driver “refused” to pay her N700. Driver tok decides to be “smart” and starts driving haphazardly. In the process, Policewoman gets flung, right into the path of the same bus and as driver no fit stop, crushes her to death.

When would we stop putting ourselves (and others) in harm’s way ON PURPOSE? Preventable accidents and deaths. And when such happen, some people would be quick to blame one witch or wizard or one family member that didn’t want the fellow to succeed.

Oh, another group I don’t know what to label them. You come to camp, pray and bind all enemies. Then once the programme is over, you lay your mats/clothes/whatever on path ways. Knowing that a zillion people are trying to leave camp at the same time. Then once you get hit or stepped in, you resort to curses and asking if said people were blind. What were you doing “sleeping” on road pesin suppose walk on?

That said, I must say with the kain chaos on that Lagos-Ibadan expressway especially after any HGS, it takes special skills, extra grace and patience. My God, the air, land, noise pollution? Now I remember one of the reasons I haven’t been to Redemption Camp in more than 6 years. The waka alone….

I need some serious scrubbing and a full body massage yo!!!

Off to bed (yes, I just got back home and I need my sleep) before gatecrashing a wedding later in the day (don’t judge me).