RE: Positioning yourself and Is honesty really the best policy?

I need to revisit my last post on positioning. One thing I didn’t mention is my life mostly revolves around 3 places depending on what stage I am in. Younger years; school-church-home. Post school days: work-home-church. Jobless days: home-church. Constants: home and church. Ok yes I do go out. Weddings (like once in 2 at times 3 years), birthday parties (every other year). Anyways, you get the gist. So when worshipandswag mentioned her friend meeting her husband in a pharmacy I kinda cringed. All the guys I have ever dated I met either in school (twice) or church (once).

If you can decipher from a lot of my posts, I detest don’t like meeting random people say on the road, at a party and then they start forming familiarity after. For example, all those “excuse me” people on the road or those in the bank who see you and “decide” to talk? It gets to me big time. And most of those that commented asked me to keep an open mind. *sigh*. In keeping an open mind, I joined a school network Circle as requested by a friend. After like 4 days of getting people I don’t know send me messages, I am seriously considering leaving. What’s the point of joining you ask? I dunno. Even on facebook, I don’t add people I don’t know and once in a while I trim my “friends”. I have a long way to go right?  You see my dilemma? How do I keep an open mind?

Worshipandswag also said “I love your honesty in your posts“. That scared me. I am dealing with a situation in which I think my honesty/frankness is part of the reasons I got into “trouble”. I have at different points in life gotten into trouble because I said my mind. Now am not the kind of person to keep things to myself (except things that shouldn’t be said or at least not by me and things have been asked specifically not to say and all), but if I feel strongly about something or I think I need to say it, I say it. Now back to the situation I mentioned. I was gisting with a family friend T one night about the ish and he went “it is your honesty that got you into trouble”. I went quiet. He then went on to mention instances I should either have kept quiet or just said I have heard or just agreed. Ok, I agree maybe some of the times, I shouldn’t have said anything or be a little diplomatic (of which I consider myself diplomatic because if I tell a lot of people what comes to mind immediately they do something I wouldn’t have friends. So I either wait a bit before telling them and then construct and reconstruct how I would tell them in my head before opening my mouth). But then again, what do I know? That’s my own side. Someone else might/would think differently.

Keeping quiet or just saying I have heard or agree to do something is where I had an issue. If I kept quiet it would mean consent. It would mean not being true to myself. It would mean I had objections (which may or may not be necessary) yet I didn’t say. I feel by raising my objections (which most times won’t even change anything), I at least get it off my head that I might have been able to do something and instead kept quiet. At least by saying what I feel, I am able to hear your own side and what you think. Abi? By saying “mogbo”; I have heard (especially with older people), it would mean consent too. Yoruba people have a funny way of twisting I have heard to I have heard and I agree. For instance one of the issues was a project I didn’t have money for at that time. And I told the person “I am sorry, I don’t have the money for it now”. At least in my head it made sense I told the person from the onset “I didn’t have the money, if you find someone who does, please use the person or if you can give me a while to see if I can raise the needed funds but I would rather you find someone else than posting you”. Well that didn’t go down well with the other parties. T too felt I should have said mogbo. Then I asked if I said mogbo and then gone ahead to look for the money. Maybe, maybe not. I am a very logical person. I figured if I said mogbo then and still couldn’t raise the money, what would I do? Won’t it have been better I told you the truth from the onset that keeping you on cruise?

He said “you know in relationships like this, you need to be a bit careful. You don’t just say everything you are told or think. Because by the time you are able to explain your view, wa ti binu jina” (I really don’t know how to translate that to English). Like I said earlier, especially with people I am close to, I don’t know how not to tell what’s on my mind. If I don’t consider you a close friend/family member, trust me, I most likely would just keep quiet or say what I want to say and get out. But with people I am close to, keeping quiet is hard.

Later that night, I recounted the same situation to an uncle and he said “I would have thought your honesty would score you brownie points”. *sigh*. One person thinks I am too frank, the other thinks it shouldn’t have been a problem. He did agree with T though in saying I should have been a bit careful and not just say everything (at least not verbatim).

I know with my posts, I just write as it comes to mind; not holding back though some events and ish I do distort. Most times sha, they are real events straight from my head to my laptop. Got me thinking, how can I be diplomatic? How can I not say what is on my mind? I have had to delete posts because I was dayum frank and some people felt I shouldn’t have written verbatim. Well if I didn’t write the way I did, I won’t have been able to communicate what I wanted to so I deleted them.

I am however beginning to think maybe being honest doesn’t necessary pay. Hear me out. I still think it would be hard for me not to say the truth/what I feel. After all I come from a family of people who speak their mind. If you like go and die (not literal o). But if speaking my mind, saying what I consider the truth, at least at that point is going to keep getting me into trouble, I would do fine not talking right? Just going with the flow and letting everybody do as they please right? Funny thing is some of the people I have entered yawa with on this saying my mind ish happen to be people who hate being lied to. They also believe in saying their minds. I just can’t reconcile it.

So if I move away from being honest, I hope I won’t offend people? This may be my last honest post. Who knows?

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8 thoughts on “RE: Positioning yourself and Is honesty really the best policy?

  1. You sure had a lot to say in this ‘RE’. It is difficult to say things such that [it’s not a lie + it’s not offensive + you’re comfortable + the other party is comfortable]. Being honest is important, being open (and saying things exactly as they are) isn’t important. At times these two mean the same, often timesm they don’t. Diplomacy is key.

  2. Lol. I sure did have a lot to say.
    Think you summed it up well, I find it difficult trying not to lie yet still not being as blunt as I would be.
    I gas work hard on being diplomatic then. HARD WORK begins.

    Thanks for stopping by.

  3. Its usually very delicate when you hit the nail on the head. When I was in school I usually spill out my words without editing. Though I didnt get into any serious trouble,but over time I learnt to respect people’s feelings. And on the long run i know the kind of audience I communicate what and what to. This definitely wont be you last honest post cos you are all about being original. There is always a way out.

    1. Uhmmm, I try to hit the nail on the head and at the same time I edit what I say. For instance, rather than tell someone you are stupid, I would rather say “you know what you did on ABC day wasn’t proper and you could have done XYZ”. Yet I still have issues. I remember a number of times I went all out to tell someone you are stupid. I almost cried. I had to call my ex to report myself. I felt that bad. So most times I try not to talk without editing.

      God help me.

      I hope so o.

  4. You just had to put me out there, lol! On the honesty issue, I’m in the same boat with you. I don’t know how many times I’ve told myself to keep quiet on issues but after a while I inadvertently blow up on people because I’ve been, well too quiet. It doesn’t pay to be dishonest but it takes a while to patiently deal with different people with tact. Trust me, there are some people who will offend you but its unintentional. Others, however, woke up in the morning and their project is to boss you around and take you for granted…waiting for you to explode then they’ll tag you “violent.”

    These people are everywhere, but I noticed they do tend to be at work places so you get discredited in front of other employees. Still I learned that one can’t say whatever one likes because he/she feels disrespected. Lol @ the Pharmacy comment! 😀

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