Monthly Archives: November 2012

Book Club

Once upon a time, I used to read lots and lots of books. Sadly, for a couple of years, I didn’t read as much as I would have loved. Work then school and all sorts came up to keep me from reading. Excuses right? Yeah I know.

However, I have decided to pick up books again. Have a number of books I bought but not found the time to read them. So, here is to reading them. I would not just read them but share my thoughts on the books I read. Books would range from relationships (single, married), gender related books (male and female), religion,  business, and a bit of motivational books (not a fan of such books but I do have some I was given and haven’t read). Anyways, I hope to start a book club where I would write my thoughts as well as things I learn from them.

So in case you don’t see me for a while, I am busy. WITH MY BOOKS. Lol.

I would start with a book called The Five Love Languages (Singles Edition) by Gary Chapman. Is there anybody who has read it? Or the married edition? First heard about the married edition some couple of years back but never got round to buying it. When I finally decided to buy it two months ago, it was out of stock. So picked the singles edition instead. Trust it would be fun reading it. Next book which I am desperately searching for is “The Point Man: How a man can lead his family” by Steve Farrar. Heard about it in church and it comes highly recommended (in fact, I heard Pastor Adefarasin asked all the men in his church to buy it) for men. Who says women can’t read them too. One of the books I love so much and would recommend is “He-motions” by T.D Jakes. Written for men but even as a woman, I really enjoyed it. Hope to get The Point Man by weekend. Else, would do He-motions instead. Doing away with the “junk” I have on iBooks and going back to the days of hard copies *straight face*. I see someone looking at me.

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Cheers friends.

Have a lovely weekend and a great December.

Tada

Birthday party

Yipeeeee

Thanks to everyone who wished me a happy birthday. E se pupo. Thank you very much. God bless

I had so much fun over the weekend till yesterday itself. With the sisters in town since Friday, it was party, going out and all all weekend. Then the grand finale (lols) yesterday. For those who remember I LOVE CAKES, I am very very very very very grateful.

1/4 done.

The cakes at the party over the weekend

My birthday gift from me to me. Would upload the picture of the dress I got me if I can later. But am so rocking these mustard/yellow heels.

Cupcakes at yesterday’s party

At the party on Saturday

Cake from my cousin yesterday.

Didn’t take pictures yesterday though. Yeah.

I had so much fun and I think this is my bestest birthday ever. Friends, family, crushes (oh yes, my cousin came home with one of my Uni crushes yesterday. Heart skipped a bit). Twas just fun allllllllllll the way.

Finally wrote the end on a chapter of my life yesterday and shut the book. Something that had “weighed” me down for months and most especially in the last couple of weeks. Finally had to let it go yesterday as I wasn’t the only one getting disappointed no longer. Even my younger sister was getting disappointed and upset for me. Enough of the disappointments and heart aches. Still get sad and all BUT I know it is for the better. Sure I would write about it at some point in the future. But really feels good not to be disappointed.

People keep asking me how it feels to be 2* years (am sure by now some people have already figured it out). Seriously I don’t know. How am I meant to feel? And for those who have been praying twins and triplets into my future, God sees you and knows your addresses o. I no do o.

Do have a lovely day people.

Tada

Randoms

Hiyaaaaaaaaaa

Excited much yeah… Birthday in a few days……..

Can’t believe the month is almost ending… a week and day and it is December and it is CHRISTMAS. Whoopieeeeeeeeeee. I so love Christmas.

To think a few days ago, I was practically wishing November away. As the days go by, am just so giddy with excitement. Everything is falling in place and am getting way happier than have been in a while….. Yayyyyyy………. Can’t wait for Monday.

In other news, my results came out last week… MSc. Management, done and dusted….. Funny story, when I calculated my results I had a Merit yeah but fell into the boundary zone. The Board of examiners could push it up to a distinction or I remain on a merit. Cool right? Till I got a mail from my course advisor saying the way we calculated our first and second semester results isn’t the same way we should calculate the third semester. The formula was such that our 30 credits course had to be multiplied by 2 and then all the courses added up and divided by 4. Me I saw add all the courses and divide by 4. Omo, by the time I finished, I fell to a PASS. I couldn’t cry. How would I explain to my parents? Who do I tell? It wasn’t funny. Pinged a classmate and asked her to please read the mail well, maybe na me no read am well. What didn’t we say…. It took both of us almost four days (more like took her 4 days because I had boned and “gba kamued” and was thinking about how to tell my parents that after XYZk pounds o, na pass I carry comot for school) to see the multiply by 2, add and divide by 4. Whew… Na merit last last…. Can grad come already? Can’t wait….. Wozaaaaaaaaa.

In other other news, I won…… Yipeeeeeeeeeee. On Dirty Dishes Blog. Funny I never read the post. Just joined the facebook group because I was fascinated by the food and wanted to try other parts of Nigeria’s meals. And I WON. Time to make peppersoup yeahhhhhhhh..

Finally, the rate at which people on blogsville’s identity is being revealed, seriously considering shutting down this blog and going anonymous pata pata……. More like closing all social media accounts and just blogging but under a different identity…. Let’s see how it goes sha. This blog might just seize to exist soon.

Tada

Side note: Happy thanksgiving

9ja husbands and wife stereotype by tribes

Saw this some years ago and it was just so funny. Stumbled on it again this night on DirtyDishes blog and thought to share. Had to copy it out since WordPress and Blogspot won’t allow reblogging (I think).

Still funny years after. Some true, some I dunno o.

Different kinds of Nigerian husbands

IGBO HUSBAND

Plus

1. He is very loyal

2. He maintains monogamy

3. Could be very yielding/gullible

4. Gives you access to all his assets

5. Follows your advice and directions to the letter

6. Spends money on you for comfort, good looks and happiness

7. Takes care of your kids

Minus

1. Could be very unromantic-Romance is limited to spending money, spending money and spending money

2. May be semi-literate or illiterate.

3. May marry you early and deny you of access to life/youth.

4. More likely to be crude and unrefined

5. Always has a large family to cater to and take care of plus apprentices etc

6. May not be presentable

7. May be horrible in bed and/or sexually illiterate/unwilling to explore.

8. Could be gullible/easy to deceive

YORUBA HUSBAND

Plus

1. Could be very romantic.

2. Could be caring

3. Tries to maintain leadership in the home.

4. Disciplines kids well

5. More white-collar career inclined

6. Literacy level is usually high

Minus

1. More likely to philander

2. More likely to eventually marry another wife

3. More likely to marry you for your money/connections.

4. Could be highly assertive.

5. Most times you would take care of yourself after a while.

6. You may eventually separate with nothing to show for it.

7. Family members may be given priority.

EDO HUSBAND

Plus

1. Believes in marriage

2. Takes care of you and your needs.

Minus

1. May end up not taking full care of the kids

2. Could be very harsh

3. Does not take any nonsense

4. You may end up taking care of him

5. You can’t cheat on him.

URHOBO MAN

Plus

1. Believes in marriage

2. Takes care of you and your needs.

Minus

1. You may end up taking care of him

2. You cant cheat on him.

EFIK MAN

Plus

1. Will effectively take care of the culinary activities in your absence.

2. Is usually very religious

3. Hard working

4. Good in bed

5. Quite organised and clean.

Minus

1. Be prepared to have 12 kids

2. Your cooking may not be good enough

3. He will either be very ugly or very handsome. no line between. He will also either be very short or very tall. Same with your kids

4. Prepare to have a husband like 25 years older than you in his fifties.

HAUSA MAN

Plus

1. Hardly believes in premarital sex.

2. Very religious

3. Takes care of you

Minus

1. You may be wife number 4

2. You may be wife number 4 at 14

3. You have absolutely no say in anything, anywhere and anytime.

4. If he passes away, you may be transferred to another family.

Different kinds of Nigerian wives

URHOBO WIFE

Plus

1. Always loyal/faithfully( cheating is outright abomination)

2. Very hard working and self reliant

3. Very good cook (banga soup,owo,peppersoup ,sea food specials)

4. Can persevere even in poverty conditions

5. Accommodating if a second wife shows up

6. What u see is what u get kind of attitude

7. Would lay down their life for their children

8. Tolerates in-laws

MINUS

1. Argumentative

2. Stubborn

3. Alcoholic tendencies

4. Some level of gra- gra

5. Very very very vocal

6. She respects you with serious warning.

7. Very sharp and wise to take action. 

YORUBA WIFE

Plus

1. Very respectful to husband

2. Very respectful to in-laws

3. Most times educated

4. Yielding and submissive

5. Likes sex.

Minus

1. Would most likely have had one kid for another man before you and after you.

2. Will most likely cheat at 65% with one Uncle or Oga at office.

3. Possibly give you another man’s kid in between your kids

4. Tells her mother or sisters or friends everything.

5. May jazz you up.

6. Will fill you with pepper, palm oil, assorted and amala.

7. Probably will marry another man even if you split at 60 years of age.

8. If she makes more money than you, or you make less her, the uncles will finally start to drop her off in front of the house with a peck.

IGBO WIFE

Plus

1. Loyal to her husband

2. Gives kids good nourishing food with vegetables and many spices.

3. Is very clean.

4. Is ready to fight anybody alongside her husband and break their head or even fight while the husband watches.

5. Even if her husband leaves her at 30, she has only a 3% chance of remarrying after kids.

Minus

1. Very disrespectful to everyone including you.

2. After breaking the neighbour’s head will one day break yours.

3. Only regards you as a man if you have money.

4. Views love as spending power.

5. May not really love you but will marry you because you are ready and her real lover isn’t.

6. Will spend every dime of yours without touching hers

7. Does not tolerate your in laws and disrespects them.

8. May stop shagging you after 35.

9. If she makes more money than you, or you make less her, she will become VERY in submissive and her family will finally remember what a useless in-law you are.

10. When there is a fight, her brothers will come and join to break your head.

EDO WIFE

Plus

1. Cannot cheat on you

2. Can also cook good food.

3. Looks after kids and you.

4. Very respectful

5. Most times well endowed.

6. Very thrifty

7. Always has one brother or sister in Europe to bail you out in hard times.

8. Does not leave you even if you are semi-dead, quarter dead or dead.

9. If she makes more money than you, or you make less her, she remains loyal but after building 10 houses you have no idea about.

Minus

1. May have signed your death day the day you were married.

2. You have a 98.75% chance of dying before her.

3. Eventually you die and she becomes the landlady.

4. Or she may have built her own house while you guys were still staying in a room and parlour without you knowing.

5. May have done runs before you got married.

HAUSA WIFE

Plus

1. Everything good.

Minus

1. If you are not a muslim, no chance.

2. You may eventually have to show her were the promised land is.

3. Even when you do, it must be in the dark.

EFIK WIFE

Plus

1. She will load you with so much good food that every other thing is poison

2. She will also f…. your brains out.

3. Also loyal and respectful but will also break your head if you misbehave.

4. Very clean.

Minus

1. She will f…. your brains out finally.

2. She will either be very slim, have an extremely large ass or be very short.

3. You will share shaving stick as she may have facial and chest hair.

4. Even if you wanna leave her, the f**king and feeding will keep you coming back for more.

 

Loools. Can one get all the plus for the husbands in one man?

 

The times we live in

The war against Christian marriages is getting fiercer. The devil isn’t resting. And we shouldn’t either.

Some few months back, maybe about 4/5 months, I was with a married friend who decided to educate and advise me on what and what I should and shouldn’t do as a married woman. He also spoke to me about thinking deeply before getting married and gave me a lot of reasons why marriage shouldn’t be rushed. Anywayz, the talk ended with him telling me a trend he noticed in his generation. Women seem to get married these days either for the name (I am a Mrs not Miss), for the children (I want to have children, all my friends do) or both. Another group won’t even bother with getting married. Just find a willing man and have a kid or two. And that stayed with me. If there was really anything I really really remembered, it was these statements he made.

On Sunday, I was talking to a few friends in church and of all of us, there was someone we would call a matured single (over 35) and she made a statement “I just want to have a child. I don’t see anything wrong. I asked at the church office and they said it was wrong”. At first, I thought, “is there really anything wrong with wanting a child”. Then I remembered the conversation above. Started reading a book my mum asked me to read this after and this issue was raised again. While reading, I went on twitter and saw a friend’s tweet “Just heard a woman say this on the radio ‘it is 2012, who waits to get married to have a baby’. My question: is this what we have become?” She thought it was pure insanity for people to be thinking like this.  That got me thinking. It was like God was saying something. Same issue 3 times in 6 days.

Let me state that growing up, I guess because of the kind of mother I have, marriage has always been something she doesn’t joke with. She is so into praying for your marriage years before it ever happens. And one thing she once told me was “there is a battle against Christian marriages”. And in those days, divorce rate wasn’t this high. Divorce was mostly “a thing of the world”. You never hear Christians divorce.

These days however, when you hear of divorce it is mostly within the Church. What went wrong? I think we allowed the devil a lot of space. While we slept and became complacent about marriage, he was busy working and putting finishing touches to destroying marriages and not even allowing marriages that would cause him issues take place. I notice that a lot of people don’t even pray as singles about their marriages. Trust me, I know at times it doesn’t make sense. There are days I don’t even pray about mine or  just say some half-hearted prayer and move on. I think it is just a sad reality of the times we live in. We have gotten so relaxed with everything, not just our marital lives and have given the devil a chance. Churches have become something else. There is really no focus any longer in most churches.

Back to the book I am reading (as I am currently not yet done). Some of the things that struck me I list below. Some are things we already know. Some might be new to people.

1. Asides our salvation and Christian life, who we marry is the next most important decision we make. It can make or mar us.

2. God doesn’t want any Christian to marry an unbeliever. See Abraham where Abraham made his servant swear. Genesis 25:1-14.

3. Any parent worth their salt would show interest in their children’s journey to marriage. See same passage above i.e. Abraham.

4. Prayer plays a crucial role when it comes to the issue of a successful marriage. One thing my mum always says is “marriage requires a lot of prayers”. Yorubas would say marriage is oja okunkun (night market). You don’t know what you have bought until you enter. I don’t subscribe to that though.

5. The greatest foundation you can establish for your marriage is the foundation of prayer.

6. God may decide to give you a test before He leads you to your appointed partner e.g. Rebecca. She didn’t even know she was being tested.

7. Prepare yourself as you pray for a suitable partner.

8. There are battles to fight for everyone planning to get married.

9. God instituted marriage and He has a reason for doing so (maybe this should have been the first point sef).

I however find it depressing that most times when books talk about marriages and “preparation for marriage”, they seem to focus on the woman. How to be submissive. How to be humble. How to, how to, how to. Even in books they start off talking about both end up focusing on the woman. *sigh*. Are we saying men don’t need to be spoken to? I hope I don’t fall into the same category with the musing below (maybe I got them because am female).

Woman: womb-man. Because of God’s plan for redemption (He knew man would fall), He had to create a womb-man through whom Christ would come into the world. Man (male specie) wasn’t created with a womb and as such couldn’t get impregnated by the Holy Spirit (got this while reading the book. Funny I have heard a lot of talk on the womb-man, just never struck me this way).

Purpose before marriage: a woman is called to be first a wife then a mother. You had a life before entering into a relationship, don’t lose it. If you don’t know your purpose before you enter a relationship, you would not only get bored, your expectation would be cut short.  You are called to be a wife first then a mother. Balance your roles. Don’t neglect your husband because of your children. Know your purpose in life before marriage. After marriage and kids, WHAT NEXT?  Knowing your purpose helps you fill the void. Being a sister, child, mother, wife is part of your purpose. It isn’t your purpose. Find your purpose, use your skills, talents, gifts. Do what you love doing and love what you do (this I wrote down around May/June).

Finally, found a very lovely blog I would love to share.

*music*…. Presenting coralandcarameldrapings.

Happy birthday Angelsbeauty. 2* years o easy mehn….

Tada.

Side note: I do understand where matured singles come from when they talk about wanting children especially as it seems they are getting older and the probability of them getting married is almost zero. It is understandable. I also believe that especially in Christendom, there really isn’t a support system for matured singles. With pressure from family members and friends (who mean well but the way they go about it at times leaves much to be desired), I think the church should do more to keep such people from straying. And in our own little way, let’s support them. Not putting unnecessary pressure on such people. They already have a lot on their minds. We shouldn’t add to that.

Side side note: Nearing 5,000 hits. What do I do? Thinking of doing a give-away but have no idea what the competition should be. Any thoughts?

Every reason to be thankful

I was chatting with a friend last night/this morning (I chat a lot yeah) and was telling her about how I just wish I can find a place and hide. No calls, no texts, no pings. No form of communication with anybody. Just be, myself and I. You know those days, you are just down, and you cannot tell people how you feel. Am pretty much at an all time low and just wish I can disappear. It later occurred to me that nobody would believe if they knew I was in this state. Behind the whole smiling face, chatting and everything looking nice. I remember reading a blog this morning (or was it yesterday?) and it damn struck a chord. I found myself asking “why is God messing with me”.

Well I kinda got my answers last night/this morning and I decided rather than give the devil a chance to make me unhappy, I am gonna be thankful. No matter what it is, I know the answers I seek would come. The answers may not be favourable but still in Him would I trust. I realized I have/had a lot of things to be thankful for and I felt like bursting out in songs and screaming (couldn’t though except I wanted to wake the whole house up).

I have ever reason to be thankful.
I am thankful for life.
For the salvation of my soul.
For family and friends.
For YB.
For my jobless state.
For my baby sis, who saw her elder sister has no job and decided to pass all her assignments to me. That should keep me busy yeah?
For parents I can call on, when am broke *straight face*
For revelations when I need them.
For guidance and protection. My family and I, friends and all go out, we come in, no accidents, no robbery attacks (getting quite much as Christmas approaches). For extra mercies especially as this year is coming to an end. It has been tough/hard/depressing/sad for a lot of people. Yet we still dey bam.
Because I no dey UK in this kain cold.
For friends who are truly friends.
For the tests I am going through.
For the days I get really scared.
For the tears.
For the opportunity to even feel low. He is reminding me His grace is sufficient, He is the only one I can rely on.
For the past 2* years (did you think am gonna reveal my age here?) *ssmh*
For the past 10 months and 12 days (did I get that Maths right?) 😃
For the new people I have met in the last months.
For blogville.
For a lot of things.
Because I know all things work together for my good.

Anywayz, as I cannot scream, My Praise by Gabriel Eziashi would do.

It is my birth month. Yayyyyyy. Unlike other years, I never got round to deciding what I was going to post or do. Like I said, I haven’t been feeling myself for a while and it just entered the lowest low in the last few days.

Can’t wait to see the streets of Lagos with all the Christmas decors and lights. Taking them forever to put them up this year *sigh*.
Wishing all November babies a very happy birthday. Angelsbeauty I see you.

Tada

Weddings and birthdays

I was chatting with a friend last night and was so not in the mood to talk. I actually considered telling her to free me biko. Till she mentioned another friend was getting married early next year. My antenna went up. I suddenly “entered” into the chat. The mood came immediately.

Left me wondering, what is it about weddings that gets me/people excited. Ok, there are a couple of weddings I am not/haven’t been excited about. But 98% of the time, I am sure I am as excited as the bride sef (if that is possible). I was already thinking about ways I could help *sigh*. I dunno what causes the excitement but am sure I am not alone. A wedding especially in our part of Nigeria is a “mere” 48 hours (usually on Friday and Saturday) and after that, o ti pari (it is over). What then causes the excitement?

Same with birthdays. A birthday is coming up and I get excited. Even if the person isn’t going to be 10 or 30 or 50. I just enter excited mood. *whew*

Been awake almost an hour seriously starving and waiting till day breaks to eat because I am not sure it is normal/proper to eat at past 4 am. Is there a law against eating this early? Beginning to sound/act like SingleNigerianMan. Blogging early in da morning. At least I aint the only one awake at this time. Poppaman too is. 😄😃. I have someone to chat with till day breaks.

Tha In-Laws

In my childish days, I was one of those who wished my MIL would be dead before I get married to her son *covers face*. I was also the “I don’t want to marry a first son, or last son or only son, neither do I want an omo Pastor”. YB is the FIRST and omo Pastor. *whew*. Payback. As I grew older, it became a “ok, make she no die, but if she is the usual monster-in-law, I go just do the Lamide treatment”. Check out Lamide’s comments on Bellanaija. All I can say is the babe get mind and liver. 4/5 years ago, it was something I won’t think twice about doing.

I have heard a lot of stories about mothers and sisters-in-law. I think I fit write a book on them sef. Forget say I never marry yet. So I get where a lot of people are coming from when they made comments on Bella. However, like a friend’s mum once told us, we should never pray such prayers. In fact, the day she heard her daughter make the “I pray my MIL is dead” prayer, she just couldn’t slap her (we were out). For a woman who had 2 sons and my friend was the only daughter, you can imagine the anger she must have felt. For her, it was like B (my friend) was her future DIL praying she is dead.

Anywayz, years later, knowing YB’s mum before she died, I felt silly for even uttering such prayer at some point in life. She was one easy woman to get along with and I have no doubts she would have been a good MIL to her SIL and DILs. Days I think God just wanted to prove a point by taking her away before we got married. *sigh*.

Back to the topic. It was the Bellanaija article I read yesterday and saw some very great comments I thought I should share.

anonymous November 1, 2012 at 6:59 PM

My mum says one thing always “oko buruku se fe ano buruku o se fe” meaning you can marry a bad husband but you cannot marry bad inlaws. As I get older I am starting to realize what she means. My uncle just last week also said to us I can never allow any of my family members disrespect my wife and he looked at my sister and I and said if you date a man who never defends you to his family, run before you are in too deep because that is always what it will be. In-laws especially nigerian In-laws are just so intrusive. They have a way of making one feel obligated but truth is once you marry, your mother and everybody but your spouse is now your extended family. Your family is you, your husband and your children and/or future children. As human beings we always like to have an edge over the next person but you have to know when to put your foot down. For me and my sisters, it has started with my mum. we do not let her ask our bfs for favors e.g. take me to the airport do this do that. on occasion he may offer as we would tell them to but we made sure she never made it a habit. People do not owe you anything so don’t make them feel like they do. I tell my mum I love you but whatever is going on between me and him (and this applies to my sisters) do not make yourself a part of it until you are made a part of it. You have to trust the daughters you raised. SIMPLE.
My family friend got married and said no relatives in her house if you come and visit, come for a day in the morning and please leave at night. My mum went crazy when she heard this and my sister simply said to her calm down because that will be the case in my house and my mum was angry. My sister told her get angry all you want but I will like to start my marriage on the influence of no one but me and my husband and with relatives in the house, it is hard to do that.
The thing is with Nigerians generally, we are so afraid of coming off as rude because they have made EVERYTHING as long as it is not what the older person wants to hear RUDE. Well then so be it be rude but you also ask yourself a question, at the end of the day are you happy? and what exactly is that person going to do to you? people will only go as far as you let them so I suggest you drum that into whoever you are dating or wanting to marry’s head and let him know you come first to him and he comes first to you. If both of you are on that page, then he will ALWAYS stand up for you and as long as he does that and you do that for him, in-laws and gbo gbo e will remain in their respective places. DO NOT BE A FOOL TO CULTURE Nigerians have used this culture thing to become bullies know the difference between bullying and culture.
Thats all I have to say about that

I once told my immediate younger sister, my parents and sisters had no place in my home once we got married. No place in the “you can come spend a few days, or say you live outside the country, and you are in town, I came to sleep in my daughter/sister’s house kinda ish” but forget “oh my sister is married so I am moving into her house ish”. And I told her the same applied to my husband’s people. Within 15 mins, I was invited to a group chat my my sisters to explain myself. Omo, see me defending myself. I just had to make them realize that I didn’t want no family influence and pressure especially early on in my marriage.

Also, like I tell people, if your fiance/fiancee can’t stand up for you now, he/she would never be able to do that when you marry. I believe that as long as we have made a commitment to each other to get married, even if we are not yet legally married, you should be able to stand up for me. Except it is a clear case of the babe/guy is just being unnecessarily difficult or trying to “prove a point” and even at that, you guys should be able to resolve such issues. If you want to wait till you are married to stand supporting each other “against” family, I can assure you, it might never happen or it would be hard. The above comment said it all. Take a stand for each other in your families and let your people know how far they can go.

Other comments that touched me:

Naveah November 1, 2012 at 3:34 PM
My advice to any new fiancee or bride is (1) pay attention to how your husband interacts with his siblings and parents that will give you a good idea of what is to come. If they run him, they will subsequently run you too! If can’t say no to them, you will have to deal with the consequences of his inability to set boundaries. It isn’t up to you to set those boundaries for his family, it is up to him and vice versa. (2) SET THE TONE from the beginning! If they know you are not a door mat, if they know that you will not allow anyone but you to run your home, they will get the hint and watch themselves. But if you come into the family acting like you will do anything to please them, you have failed from the beginning and they will take advantage of you. Be respectful but be firm about what you will compromise on and what you will not compromise. I definitely think having privacy in your home is something that should not be compromised!
I am blessed with a husband who is not (1) African (2) a mama’s boy. I am blessed with mother-in-law who could be nosy and intrusive but she also knows the type of son she has so she doesn’t even try it. She phrases her questions in a way that leaves it up to us to answer or not. I LOVE my mother in law, she is a sweet, generous, loving and fiercely independent woman. I don’t have to worry about her and the rest of the family wanting to stay over because it isn’t really part of their culture to feel entitled to part ownership in their “son’s house”. She treats me like I am her own and I treat her like she was mine. I am accorded my respect by everyone in his family as he is in mine. My husband and I have worked it out that if any situation arises, I deal with my family and he deals with his. If that doesn’t work, we have a sit down with the offending party. This has worked so far so good.

NakedSha
 November 1, 2012 at 4:43 PM
Dear women,
Before you condemn in-laws, ask yourself the role you have played in your brother’s, cousin’s, best-friend’s, sister’s, or close-family friend’s marriage. Many people are the dreaded in-laws that someone else is suffering from.
If the boat is drowning, yes, the husband SHOULD pick his wife over you (his mother) or you (his sister), or you (his best friend from kindergarten). Many women who complain about in-laws have / will contribute pain to their own in-laws too.
Like someone above said, lay your foundation from the beginning. Marriage is not a war-zone of civil rights but you do not need to compromise peace and tranquility for a ring on your finger or another person’s name.
If you think you can be kinder to a man or love a man more than someone who he is married to, you will eventually display this and become a toothpick in the bum bum of his wife. If you actually have something constructive doing with your life, you will NOT HAVE TIME to be all in the business of your brother’s or uncle’s or bla bla’s marriage.
Make sure you have not ever caused wahala in someone’s marriage before you start to pray for the demise of an in-law you probably haven’t even met. Your in-laws will either love you or they won’t. Please, find out BEFORE the marriage. If your in-laws are Igbo or Bini or southern, you’ll probably be fortunate enough to know ahead of time that you’re not favored because these cultures typically do not encourage pretense. It could be mean but you’re more fortunate than someone whose in-laws are Yoruba. Yoruba culture is very respect based and so whether we accept it or not, it encourages eye-service. The chances of knowing (from your meetings with them) that Yoruba in-laws dislike you BEFORE THE MARRIAGE are slimmer than those of non-Yoruba in-laws.
The reason for this example: do not ignore upfront confrontation from your in-laws before the marriage; it could save you from a lifetime of suffering. At the same time, do not ignore eye-service and over niceness from your in-laws because it could just be that they are not comfortable with making it known that they do not like you. Sooner than later, it will come out. And if you’re married to a man (or woman) whose family is just as much in your marriage as he / she is, I have you constantly in my prayers.
So, my point is that as much as we have a right to be concerned about our in-laws feelings towards us, we should be more concerned about how we are treating our own in-laws. Think about it. Think about everything you have done to your in-laws, whether or not the motive was good, and how they felt about it. A woman going through pain in a marriage usually is not making it up. Most likely.
And, be that person who is hardly seen around. Chances are you won’t over-stay your welcome if you’re hardly staying at all. You don’t have to be around all the time to maintain a healthy relationship with your birth family.
Purpleicious Babe November 1, 2012 at 5:20 PM
I am cool with having my MIL around….. Am @ peace I will get along with her.
Humans regardless of your inlaws are protective over their own. I believe moderation and balance is KEY at all aspect. Everyone respects yourself and don’t over do it in any form.
I myself am brought to be traditionally respectful, supportive and kind. Obviously in the yoruba culture it is expected you go out of your way to please your in laws.
Me its nothing to do with pleasing its just my upbringing and now my lifestyle, i help because i think its a great thing to do and has it rewards(dont do it for the rewards cos some ppel are mean regardless). Although, some might take the gesture for granted or even expect more but such is life “if you show kindness, some people automatically think its their right to access it”. Fortunately for me, I have come to understand the human mindset to an extent , so technically, I have no expectation and play by no rules, I do me and what JESUS would do (i know am not MUMU and they think people aware of that the way your carry yourself and approach things).
In a case of the extreme in laws I will say apply wisdom and use the opportunity to develop characters and qualities. Life is a learning process and people that show themselves to be above us are teaching us something not necessarily (killing us even though it sometimes feels like it or that their intent). Being positive really helps me to get by.
I generally like nice and helpful people and I tend to attract such people so therefore, I tend to draw a THICK line between people that are horrible, inconsiderate, selfish and immature.
I believe in respect, fairness and courtesy. As someone pointed out “observe the dude and his interaction with his family”.
Needless to say we should pray to have a great in laws and be sure that your own family are great too cos some of us can sabi badmouth other families whilst ours are crappy too.
Yeah I don’t want my MIL to die, whether she has issues or not (i pray she doesn’t), it is what is it. 
iyabo November 1, 2012 at 5:36 PM
discuss the boundaries before you marry. Unfortunately, many mothers did not raise men strong enough to put them in their place. that must be deliberate. another thing, learn the lesson and raise your boys right. let them have a mind of their own and be able to stand up for themselves. stop looking for repayment for the sacrifices you made which were your choice anyway.
Fellow bloggers have done articles on such which I would like to share; justjoxy and temiville.
We should first be careful what we wish for and also ensure that on our own. we aint terrible SILs or DILs or sons-inlaw or MILs, and pray for good families to be married into. Above all, choose your battles wisely.
Tada
FYI: SIL: sister-in-law
          MIL: mother-in-law
          DIL: daughter-in-law