Monthly Archives: August 2011

Love or Suffocation?

So I got YB to write me an article and here you are. He thinks they might be controversial statements. Oh well, you decide. Hope you enjoy it.

*Read the first point and my brain kept seeing can’t. *smh*


I recently read an article that got me thinking about love and all its little clichés. Being an analyst by profession, I decided to do some more reading and research based on several other articles about the subject of love and relationships. I found a lot of interesting stuff and I have collated them into one collective blog post.

The writer started out with a folktale. In the tale, an elderly king asks his three daughters how much they love him. The two older sisters deliver flowery speeches of filial adoration, but the youngest says only “I love you as meat loves salt.” The king was so insulted by this statement that he banished the youngest daughter and divided his kingdom between the older two, who promptly kicked him out of his Kingdom. He then sought refuge in the very house where his third daughter was working as a scullery maid. Recognizing her father, the daughter asked the cook to prepare his meal without salt. The king ate a few tasteless mouthfuls, then that all along it was my youngest daughter who really loved him.

The king chose style over substance and it led to disastrous results. This is a mistake that our generation still makes when it comes to the issue of love. Salt is unique in that its taste doesn’t cover up the food it seasons but enhances whatever flavor was there to begin with. Real love, real commitment, does the same thing. 

I will now proceed to make five statements which will probably get most readers wondering if I know what I’m talking about and will most likely spark some controversial comments. If this happens, then I know that I have made my point. Each of the statements is the opposite of what most of us see as loving commitment. But these are “meat loves salt” commitments, as necessary as they are unconventional. I believe that if I can say these to my Pookie Bear, then our relationship is likely to thrive.

Mind you, I can be the “mushiest” of lovers when the mood comes over me o! I am not saying people should not make romantic statements to their loved ones. All I am saying is you shouldn’t let them become the basis of your relationship because the fact is most of them are just word. Words that make us feel good (which is a good thing) but don’t build strong, lasting and viable relationships. I will now proceed and hope I don’t get crucified in the process.

I can live without you, no problem.

“Living without you is not living at all”. A statement which has probably been made (in many different variations) by many a love struck hopeless romantic. It sounds so tragically deep to say that losing your lover’s affections would make life unlivable. Have you ever been in a relationship with someone whose survival truly seemed to depend on your love? Someone who sat around waiting for you to make life bearable, who threatened to commit suicide if you ever broke up? Or have you found yourself on the grasping side of the equation, needing your partner the way you need oxygen? The emotion that fuels this kind of relationship isn’t love; it’s desperation. It can feel romantic at first, but over time it invariably fails to meet either partner’s needs. The statement “I can’t survive without you” reflects not adult attraction but infancy, a phase when we really would have died if our caretakers hadn’t stayed close by, continuously anticipating our needs. 

My love for you will definitely change.

My love for you will definitely change.

Most human beings seem instinctively averse to change. Once we’ve established some measure of comfort or stability, we want to nail it in place so that there’s no possibility of loss. It’s understandable, then, that the promise “My love for you will never change” is a hot seller. Unfortunately, this is another promise that is more likely to ruin a relationship than strengthen it.

The reason is that everything and everyone is constantly changing. We age, grow, learn, get sick, get well, gain weight, lose weight, find new interests, and drop old ones. And when two individuals are constantly changing, their relationship must adapt to survive. Many people fear that if their love is free to change, it will vanish. I believe the opposite is true. A love that is allowed to adapt to new circumstances will most likely be virtually indestructible. Passion relaxes into calm companionship, then flares again as we see new things to love about each other. In times of trouble and illness, obligation may become stronger than attraction until one day we realize that hanging in there through troubled times has bonded us more deeply than ever before. Like running water, changing love finds its way past obstacles. Freezing it in place makes it fragile, rigid, and all too likely to shatter.

You’re not everything I need.

Lovers claim that their romantic partner is the only person they need in their lives or that time together is the only activity necessary for emotional fulfillment. Humans are designed to live in groups, explore ideas, and constantly learn new skills. Trying to get all this input from one person is like trying to get a full range of vitamins by eating only ice cream.

People often feel threatened when their lovers develop passions for things other than romance or take up new hobbies. The statement “How come you have to spend three hours a week playing tennis (or gardening or painting)? Are you saying I’m not enough to keep you happy?” is often used. The fact is relationships aren’t enough to make us completely happy and yet we are inclined to pretend they are. I believe this is akin to poisoning relationships. Everybody has things they would like to do by themselves. Sacrificing all our individual needs doesn’t strengthen our relationships. Mutually supporting each other’s personal growth does.

I won’t always hold you close.

There’s a thin line between a romantic statement like “I love you so much, I want to share my life with you until death do us part” and “I love you so much that if you try to leave me, I’ll kill you.” People who don’t let their lover have their space love them the way spiders love flies; they love to capture them, wrap them in immobilizing webbing, and drain nourishment out of them gradually. I don’t know about you but that is not the kind of love I want.

You and I aren’t one.

I would like to say that I don’t totally agree with this statement because I strongly believe like the Bible tells me that I will leave my parents and cleave to my Pookie and become one with her. I simply used it for lack of a better idea of what to use.

Some people are chameleons who morph to match the ones they love. Some date chameleons, choosing partners who conform to their personality. Either way, those relationships cannot be healthy. In fact, they should not be classified as relationships at all. Denial of self in order to conform to out lovers’ needs will ultimately turn into resentment, poisoning the relationship.

Well, those are my thoughts on this particular subject. Feel free to crucify me if you so wish but bear in mind that the name of my blog is “My 2 Kobo” not yours. I hope Pookie won’t start wondering if I’m “The One” after all. Stay blessed and thanks for reading what has become my longest post ever.

Like he said, these statements are not in themselves bad, but when you make it d “basis”of your relationship…. Oh well….